Chicago

So this weekend I was in Chicago. I got Chipotle in Omaha, I had deep dish pizza... not great for you, but I kept my points VERY well and with all the walking (we figured it up and Friday-Monday we walked over 30 miles), I ended up using only 1/2 of my flex points for the week. I went Tuesday to my meeting with high hopes, but ended up gaining 2 lbs. I was VERY frustrated. I'm not sure what to do about it, either. I do things wrong and I loose, I do them well and I gain. It's hard to know where to go.

So I don't have any goals this week. I'm going to track things and hope that I can find a pattern, but I'm almost to the point that I'm going to go back to the doctor and see what is going on. I just don't know what else to do. I want to be healthy, but it's really hard on my body to exercise when I'm this overweight. I can't figure out how to loose it, either, so I think it may be time for medical intervention.... I'll keep you posted.

Ucky.

This week has been JUST awful.

I honestly don't know what happened. I mean, I guess I knew I was kind of in for it this week, because I had a friend from out of town coming to visit AND it was Halloween.... but man alive. I didn't plan-- at all-- for my visit with Jenny and ended up dipping into flex points.... and then the rest of the week I just couldn't get my stride back. Part of it, I know, was just poor planning, and part of it was that this week I just seemed to be so HUNGRY. This week was also more stressful than usual, as my classes are winding down for the quarter so I have lots of projects, etc, due in the next few days. Then yesterday I went to a conference where all the food was provided.... and you know, when it's right there in front of you, it's really hard to turn down (halloween candy, I'm looking at you....)

My TOM is approaching, and that always makes me hungry, and retain water. So I am prepared to show a gain this week. Hopefully I can get my motivation back for the next week... I am still really hoping to be at 200 lbs by the end of January.

I wish I had a rabbit and a hat and a '64 Impala

Ok, so I couldn't think of a title so I went with some old school Cee-lo. Anywho, I went to my meeting today and I lost 3.8 lbs this week!! After my HORRIBLE weigh and measure, I was truly feeling defeated. I'd have had a very hard time keeping myself honest in Chicago if I'd had a bad weigh in today. So I'm pretty stoked.

Goals for this week:
1. Attempt to keep accurate record of points while on vacation
2. Walk lots while I'm away since I can't hit Curves
3. Have a great time WITHOUT resorting to food
4. Be honest about it all

So that's this week. Mom and I are thinking about shopping for Gala dresses while in Chicago, I don't have the money for one anyway, but we'll see! It would be fun to get something new, but I'm still above the weight I was last year at this time, so I'm not sure I'd have a great time looking at sizes and such. Plus, I'm guessing the fun stores in Chicago are less likely to have my size. I just simply can't wait to be able to shop in normal sizes!! I won't be back in town until Monday, so I probably won't update until after my weigh in. Have a great week!!

Success!

I don't have time to write (I'll write this evening) but did want to say that I just had my weigh-in, and I met my goal for this week. I am now weighing in at 224.5, which puts my total weight loss at 6.5 pounds. I am picturing six of these tubs o butter smeared on my body, layered over it. Obviously 6 pounds isn't really enough for me to be able to tell a big difference in my body... but when I picture it in butter, it is definitely motivation for me to keep trying.

Angry...

This week at Weight Watchers I've gained .8 lbs. Then I have to do my monthly weigh and measure at Curves and I'm up both inches and pounds. Since I started Curves I've GAINED 8 pounds. That's right, it's going the wrong way. But for it to get worse when I'm working harder is frustrating.

I feel like I've probably done pretty well on my points, but I'm so mad right now about everything that I just keep feeling like I don't care because it's all going to bite me anyway. Whether I do well or not, things are going wrong. I'm hoping I can stay positive about it, but right now that seems unlikely at best.

This is unrelated to the point of the blog, but I'll tie it back I promise... Today was a really emotionally draining day. We got to go shopping without a budget. A couple of ladies who I really enjoy take 3 carts into Walmart with the idea to fill them all with great toys, movies and games for kids of all ages. We get storage and a pack-and-play and high chair... and over $3,000 later, we are only about 1/2 way to our goal of this paticular trip out. We go home and chitty-chat while we organize our loot. It was awesome! The unfortunate thing is that all of these toys will find their new home in the Callahan Cancer Center in our hospital. The Gala this year will go to funding the building of the pediatric comforts at the center. This includes painting a room and will eventually include some other big ticket items as well. So we get all these great things, top of the line everything (we literally bought a copy of every movie in Wal-mart that we were allowed to buy. We have about 200 movies right now and we still need to make a list and get the ones at ShopKo that Wal-mart didn't have), so it was a great time. But then you pick up rattles and teething rings and realize that they are going to be given to a child who's cranky because she's both teething and receiving chemo. How sad is that idea?

So to relate this back, I've been thinking today about how lucky I am. I suppose we can all say that, but I've been blessed with so many things in my life and I continue to be stressed or upset about stupid stuff. Then I think about those kids struggling with this disease and I look at the list of things obesity makes a person prone to and my heart sinks. I want a family, children, and I would continue to be in body that makes me likely to leave them earlier than I should. I am terrified of never being married because I'm too fat for any man to want me... and yet I have everything at my feet. I am trying to keep this weight loss attempt within perspective, to not be selfish and to be compassionate. It's really rough. So I'm praying. If I truly want change, I need help. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to be free of this disease...

So here's hoping this week goes better. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to respond if the scales are not less brutal....

this week, I am proud of myself

I have done a lot this week that has made me really start to think that this time... might be THE time...

Thursday night I was going out with my brother in law and his wife, and they were picking the place, so I planned ahead that day by eating very low point breakfast and lunch, and then eating a very light dinner before I went-- so that when I was ordering, and when the appetizer was in front of me, I wasn't famished. And then I ordered what I wanted, within reason-- no prime rib or cheesecake... instead I got a barbecue chicken sandwich with mashed potatoes, no desert, and a glass of white wine. The whole meal rounded out just over 20 points, but since I had planned so carefully the rest of the day, I only ended up using about 11 of my flex points.

Then last night after work I just had a hankering for something to wind down with, it being Friday night and all, so I opted for diet coke and rum-- 2 points per drink-- and honestly only made it through one drink before I was ready for bed. I also got a bag of gummy bears and carefully split the contents into three (each third being worth two points). I ate one third, thinking I'd save the other for today, but when I woke up someone had finished them off for me.

So this morning when I woke up, I put on one of those baby t's that I ordinarily am pretty hit and miss with: sometimes I put it on and feel totally comfortable (although I usually put on a sweatshirt and wear a tank top underneath it JUST in case) and sometimes I put it on and I feel so gross in it that I change to a huge oversized t shirt. The issue is that they are XXL when I probably should have been looking into buying a triple. But this morning? I put on one of my Old Navy baby t's and could NOT believe it-- it actually fit WELL. No need for a tank top or a sweat shirt, I could wear this anywhere and feel totally comfortable.

I am approaching one month with Weight Watchers, and I think what I have enjoyed the most so far is the fact that I have learned SO much about the food that I eat thinking that it's probably okay. I had a big lesson yesterday when I ate a turkey tom sandwich from Jimmy Johns-- it's turkey, right? Lettuce, tomato, some cheese, but no big deal???? I checked it last night-- 26 grams of fat, 13 points! As if that wasn't ENOUGH-- I calculated it again after removing the mayo-- um hello-- ONE gram of fat and 6 points. I think we know how I will be ordering my sandwiches from now on.

Don't give up....

... they all say "Sometimes it happens, just don't give up!" I gained .8 lbs this week. Let's be real, I didn't even track my points because on Wednesday (otherwise known as day 1) I used over half of my flex points, the next day I had Runza and ice cream for Patient Financial Services appreciation week... so I gave up. I also didn't go to Curves... at all. So, this week I weigh in to no real shocking weight. HOWEVER it's still heart breaking. I left before the meeting started because my workout (see, I'm already doing better this week!!) went poorly.

If I skip the Smart Equipment bumps me up to higher intensity. This DOES NOT WORK. So I'm gone for 1 week for surgery and I don't use the smart equipment computers for the 2 weeks after that because I don't want to overdo it. When I put my card in after the 3 weeks the computer assumes I didn't come, it says "Congratulations!" and bumps me up 4 levels. I was struggling with that between still trying to come back and get up to speed from my surgery and 2 week break from workouts and today after I skipped all week last week it bumps me up 4 MORE! So now instead of the 65% I said I wanted to be working out at, which is the highest weight loss amount, I'm at almost 80%. That's too much, I'm not wanting to gain muscle AND I almost threw up by the end of the day today trying to keep up. That isn't worth it. So I complained and they were a little shocked at how upset I was. But seriously, this is stupid. If you don't come, I'm going to work you until you are sore and sick so you stop coming again. Don't let people off the hook and make it go down, but at least keep it even!

So excuses or whatever else, I did very poorly last week. BUT this is a brand new day. Goals for this week? I have a few:
1. No soda. It's at least 2 points even for 8 oz of diet, so it's just not worth it.
2. Keep track of points, even if I fail. I need to be able to see my weaknesses on paper....
3. Gym. I've got 3 more days this week that I CAN go, so I have 3 more days I WILL go.
4. Water. When my brother Brandon was in massage therapy school, they told them in a class that the human body needs appx 1/2 a person's body weight in fluid ounces of water a day. That means the recommended 64 oz a day would be adequate for a person weighing 128. I on the other hand, need more. I need to try and do this because it really does help my body function.
5. Sunday. Casey and I have a 'wings night' tradition on Sundays. We've only missed twice and as far as I know we'll go this week. Applebee's is our destination... I got a little punch card that if I get 10 punches with the Weight Watchers Menu there I get an entree free. So while Casey eats his 20 hot wings I will eat something low in points and feel good about myself and work towards that free meal.

So those are my goals. I don't think any are too unattainable, I just need to do them. We'll see how it goes and I'll keep you posted!! Our next weigh in comes two days before I go to Omaha to hang with Adrienne and then fly to Chicago for the weekend. So hopefully I can learn some self control this week to be able to have success in the windy city!