Angry...

This week at Weight Watchers I've gained .8 lbs. Then I have to do my monthly weigh and measure at Curves and I'm up both inches and pounds. Since I started Curves I've GAINED 8 pounds. That's right, it's going the wrong way. But for it to get worse when I'm working harder is frustrating.

I feel like I've probably done pretty well on my points, but I'm so mad right now about everything that I just keep feeling like I don't care because it's all going to bite me anyway. Whether I do well or not, things are going wrong. I'm hoping I can stay positive about it, but right now that seems unlikely at best.

This is unrelated to the point of the blog, but I'll tie it back I promise... Today was a really emotionally draining day. We got to go shopping without a budget. A couple of ladies who I really enjoy take 3 carts into Walmart with the idea to fill them all with great toys, movies and games for kids of all ages. We get storage and a pack-and-play and high chair... and over $3,000 later, we are only about 1/2 way to our goal of this paticular trip out. We go home and chitty-chat while we organize our loot. It was awesome! The unfortunate thing is that all of these toys will find their new home in the Callahan Cancer Center in our hospital. The Gala this year will go to funding the building of the pediatric comforts at the center. This includes painting a room and will eventually include some other big ticket items as well. So we get all these great things, top of the line everything (we literally bought a copy of every movie in Wal-mart that we were allowed to buy. We have about 200 movies right now and we still need to make a list and get the ones at ShopKo that Wal-mart didn't have), so it was a great time. But then you pick up rattles and teething rings and realize that they are going to be given to a child who's cranky because she's both teething and receiving chemo. How sad is that idea?

So to relate this back, I've been thinking today about how lucky I am. I suppose we can all say that, but I've been blessed with so many things in my life and I continue to be stressed or upset about stupid stuff. Then I think about those kids struggling with this disease and I look at the list of things obesity makes a person prone to and my heart sinks. I want a family, children, and I would continue to be in body that makes me likely to leave them earlier than I should. I am terrified of never being married because I'm too fat for any man to want me... and yet I have everything at my feet. I am trying to keep this weight loss attempt within perspective, to not be selfish and to be compassionate. It's really rough. So I'm praying. If I truly want change, I need help. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to be free of this disease...

So here's hoping this week goes better. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to respond if the scales are not less brutal....